HUSBAND AND WIFE. MARRIAGE IS A BICYCLE MADE FOR TWO

'MARRIAGE' is "not simply lust and romance". Romance is not a bad thing in itself, but "it is emotional and has limitations".

There will be less disillusion and heartache in marriage if we understand that, from the illusions of romance, a deep and abiding love may emerge. Love is a passionate and abiding desire, on the part of two people, to produce together conditions under which each can express his or her real self and to produce together on intellectual soil and an emotional climate in which each can flourish for superior to what either could achieve alone.

In the past we heard of blissfully married couples who shared the sweetness of love earned through years of being together, for better or for worse. For most who have been long married couples, "happily ever after" did not just happen. Couples in long, happy marriages mentioned this fact of life when asked what made their relationships a success.

"We worked to keep the romance alive, we enjoyed our differences and learned from them".

We voiced our discontents freely and dealt with them right away instead of letting them build into thunderclouds. "But in a way, the thing all successful couples have in common what was reflected in this observation":

"Even when things were really bad, we were both too stubborn to quit".

Perhaps what characterizes modern couples with problems is that they want to work out too easily as it happens on television. "No, everything good must be earned through hard work".

"For many the road to marital longevity has not been smooth. The bumps included many things: Inability to have children, the death of a child, a disabled child, a difficult economic crisis and highly stressful career changes."

Although none of the couples surveyed said so specifically, it was obvious that two other factors were important to their marital success.

Firstly, even though some couples faced considerable differences in personality and sometimes carried heavy emotional baggage, they maintained respect for one another always and refrained from trying to remake their partners.

A wife once told her husband; "You married me for what I am? He retorted; "No, I married you for what you would become."

Now of course both parties were wrong because their expectations were different and they were unwilling to compromise.

Secondly, none of the marriages was marred by psychological disturbances too severe to preclude a true partnership.

There was a wife who always used to insult her husband even for a minor mistake stating; "You are a stupid man." The husband on the other hand was a very tolerant man. However, one day when he was scolded by the wife using the same word the husband retorted; "I think you are right. If I were not a stupid man, do you think that I would ever marry a woman like you?"

From that day onwards she did not repeat that insulting words.

To achieve a successful marriage, "couples also need to understand and accept the differences between the two genders".

Couples sometimes become frustrated with each other and wish that their partner was more like them. Knowing and being able to tolerate the differences between men and women helps a lot in marriage.

"A mate who is willing to weather the hard times and make the adjustments that come with children, job changes, financial difficulties or simply learning more about the person one is married to is real secret to a successful marriage."

Another saying on married life:

"Wife becomes a mistress to a young man, a companion to the middle aged and a nurse to old man."

Many couples with children are determined to stay together at least until their children are grown up. With just a little effort these years can be among the most fulfilling times in a marriage.

Marriage is a blessing but many people turn their married lives into misery and a curse. Poverty is not the main cause of an unhappy married life. "Both husband and wife must learn to share the pleasure and pain of everything in their daily lives. Mutual understanding is the secret of happy family life."

In a true marriage, man and woman think more of the partnership than they do of themselves individually, please remember!...

"Marriage is bicycle made for two, another word a feeling of security and contentment comes from mutual efforts."

And please also remember!

"A wife is not her husband's servant. She deserves respect as an equal."

Though a man is generally regarded even today as being the bread winner helping out with household chores do not demean his masculinity. At the same time, a nagging and grumpy wife is not going to make up for shortages in the home. Neither will her suspicion of her husband help to make a happy marriage.

"If her husband has shortcomings, only tolerance and kind words will get him to see light."

It is important in marriage to keep tolerance alive throughout and please note;

"Little things can mean a lot. Right understanding and moral conduct are the practical sides of wisdom."

From time immemorial,... "flowers have been considered the language of love".

They don't cost much. Wives, or for that matter all women, attach a lot of importance to birthdays and anniversaries, and caring husbands should never be too busy to keep love alive with tributes and attentions.

Trivialities such as these are at the bottom of most marital happiness. Wives do appreciate such little attentions from their courteous husbands and it is life long goodwill that keeps the home fire burning.

A carefully developed family affection is a simple formula that works both for keeping marriages together and bringing up children of good character.

"True love means being willing to value one's partner and being unwilling to devalue him or her in the presence of other people".

"This willingness has to spring from the heart". The key difference between marriages that work and those that do not is how much a couple value each other.

"Criticizing, putting down or belittling a spouse particularly in the presence of other people, erodes a relationship. And even this is not enough as each still has to value the other as if he or she is a rare gem".

Sometimes words are not necessary if there is understanding. An elderly father once confessed to his children that he loved their mother very much and told them to take care of her always, even after he was no more.

He confided to them that she was the best woman in the world and that the family was indeed lucky to have her around.

The wife, now in her 60's, has seven grown children and as many grandchildren. Yet she confessed that she never once heard the endearing words!...
"I love you", ever uttered or whispered to her... Not even a variation of it. The wife, who belongs to old school of Chinese philosophy, is quite content with her husband's own caring ways and concern for her happiness in their blissful married life.

"Her female intuition somehow tells her that deep down in his heart, he truly loves her and that she could not have been dealt a better deck of cards."

It is in the nature of some people not to speak out their feelings, but they care. We have to watch out for their actions. The next key to a harmonious marriage is to work towards achieving one's objective.

"It is the "Law of Nature" that if no effort is put into, for instance... A garden, weeds will grow instead of beautiful flowers. The same goes for marriage."

Faith, not necessarily in the religions sense, (though it helps tremendously if a couple shares similar religious beliefs) is another vital ingredient in a lasting relationship.


"HOW IMPORTANT IS 'SEX' IN A MARRIAGE?"

Sex is a natural instinct and if enjoyed within its proper boundaries can bring about great happiness. Sex helps to keep a marriage glowing, and is an important and vital area that keeps a marriage together. It creates intimacy, a shared experience between two people which no one is party too. It makes the relationship precious, and private.

The important thing to appreciate here is the fact that man and woman see sex differently. While men may view sex as an intense physical activity,... "women do not. For her, it involves an interaction with the man she loves, that is with his gentleness, his care and concern."

"Understanding the fact that women need intimacy and closeness makes the sexual activity a lot more meaningful and fulfilling".

Sex is much more than the gratification of an appetite. It is the basis of an intimate lifelong companionship, and "the means of bringing into the world children whom we love and cherish as long as we live".

Through the ages we have learned that love and mutual respect must be the basis of close intimacy between the sexes. Sex, like any other tendency in man, must be regulated by reason. Man, not being governed by instincts like lesser animals, would find his tendencies running wild were he not to regulate them with reason.

There is a saying; "Like fire, sex is a good servant but a bad master."

A society grows through a network of relationship which are mutually intertwined and inter-dependent. Every relationship is a wholehearted commitment to support and to protect others in a group or community.

Marriage plays a very important part in this strong web of relationships of giving support and protection. A good marriage should grow and develop gradually from understanding and not impulse, from true loyalty and not just sheer indulgence.

The institution of marriage provides a fine basis for the development of culture, delightful association of two individuals to be nurtured, and to be free from loneliness, deprivation and fear. In marriage, each partner develops a complementary role, giving strength and moral courage to each other, with each manifesting a supportive and appreciative recognition to the other's skills.

There must be no thought of man or woman being superior - each is complementary to the other, a partnership of equality, exuding gentleness, generosity, calm and dedication, and most important of all - "Self-Sacrifice".


From Empty Hands,
A.Rahman bin Mahadi
Labis, Johore

28 OCTOBER 2010

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